The Silent Ranks

 

I found this today and I thought it was really cool - M

 

The Silent Ranks
Author: unknown

I wear no uniforms, no blues or army greens
But I am in the Army in the ranks rarely seen
... I have no rank upon my shoulders - salutes I do not give
But the military world is the place where I live
I'm not in the chain of command, orders I do not get
But my husband is the one who does, this I can not forget
I'm not the one who fires the weapon, who puts my life on the line
But my job is just as tough. I'm the one that's left behind
My husband is a patriot, a brave and prideful man
And the call to serve his country not all can understand
Behind the lines I see the things needed to keep this country free
My husband makes the sacrifice, but so do our kids and me
I love the man I married, Soldiering is his life
But I stand among the silent ranks known as the Army Wife.

7 Weeks

Seven weeks from today - George will be leaving for a total of 22 weeks, first Basic Training and then off to Advanced Individual Training (AIT) in Texas.  I'm using my old blog and have revamped it to chronicle how much my life is changing.  I feel so new to the Army life that I can't imagine I might have any advice or words of wisdom to bestow, but if I make someone else feel better or not so alone then that is all kinds of awesome.  I'm also using this as a tool for myself, I feel very alone here in Portland, without any other Army wives to hang around and use all these fun acronyms for everything.  Another use for this blog is to help let everyone (like there are so many that read this thing) okay.....to help the three people that read this blog know what George and I both are going through, update his status as I hear it and maybe give some insight into what Army life is like for us. This blog will be espeically helpful to my Oregon life if I up and move to be with George, which I think I will know in the next couple of years if I'm going to pull up roots and take off. 
There is much to think about, mull over and decide these next couple of years and I'm oddly really excited about it.  It all seems like a dream, the thought of not living in Oregon for awhile, like it really won't come true but I hope that it does.   I could be ready for some change and some excitement.
Right now, George and I are in the midst of just getting him and I ready for his training, going through a bunch of paperwork, getting original documents of everything, planning going away dinners and parties.  And inside.......I'm freaking out a little.  This count down is really hard, it's harder for me I think because I'm not going with George to his first duty station, which makes me sad.  I read other blogs and facebook pages of other Army wives and am envious.  They are waiting for thier first duty station and get to be with their husbands and I have to stay here, that is a hard reality for me sometimes.  I don't want to leave Cole yet I don't want to be a single mom here in Portland, with a husband who is going to be living god knows where.
One thing I've learned is to just learn to go with the flow, because you'll find out what you need to know when the Army needs you to know.  Hard for a planner like me, but I'm learning.  I'll write about life in general and all the things I used to write about but I think I'll have a lot more topics and a lot more time to do so.

xoxo
M

12 Weeks

What do you think of when you see "12 Weeks"? I used to think about that's how long a school term could be or that's your first trimester of pregnancy and after that 12 weeks is the "safe" zone to announce the pregnancy.  Now?  Now, today, 12 weeks is the amount of time I have left living with my husband.  It choked me up a bit when I counted today, thinking that "WAIT A MINUTE! That isn't much time at all!"

You see, George is leaving for boot camp in the United States Army in 12 short weeks.  When he first enlisted and his ship date was November, I thought it was OH-SO-FAR-AWAY.  Well we jampacked our fucking summer with a million plans and events.  Er.....wait .......rewind.  I jampacked our summer with events every weekend.  Luckily it only took me two months to figure out that this is NOT the way I wanted to spend our remaining weeks together. 

This weekend is Hood to Coast weekend and our last huge event of the summer, lets thank God and my self control for not jumping to and attend every single invitation we receive (it's hard for me, people) I'm like a two year old that doesn't go to bed because she might miss something if she isn't  part of it! Gasp, Megan miss something??  The horror.  I'm learning through this process of getting ready for George to leave that our last weeks together are best spent, just that.  Spent together. 

I'm scared.  I'm really not excited for him to leave us, not really at all.  I am so very proud though at the same time, it's all very conflicted, all my emotions surrounding this new phase of our life.  It gets quite exhausting to manuever my way through these emotions.  Yesterday I walked in the back door of our house, the dogs going all apeshit wanting dinner (selfish much??) I've got groceries, fucking furballs jumping all over me, I almost drop my wine (oh, HELL no) and I struggle to put it all down, my iPhone beeps at me "Text Mssg, bitch" and I sit down on the kitchen floor and cry. 

Because he's leaving. 

They said it would happen, these fits that come out of nowhere, these tears that come out of left field.  I didn't fight it, I just let it happen, luckily I have dogs to sit quietly looking at one another like "Shit, bro - did WE do that?  She's all crying and shit"  (My dogs talk like high-fiving frat boys) Which made me laugh. 

This is gonna happen I guess but I've found some VERY useful and informative websites, blogs and forums that are helping me cope.  Even still, I feel like I'm on an island unto myself because most wives go with their husbands for a four year enlistment, but not this Army wife.  I gotta stick around here for my kid and I WANT to stick around here for him, I can't leave him now.  So even though there are lots of Army wife support - where is the support for the Army wife who doesn't go with her soldier.

Guess I'll just have to create some.

Know Your Audience

(I just like this picture of Kai and it kinda fits the post)

Througout the course of life, I often hear things that are judgemental and gross generalizations of which these things I hear pertain to me and my life.  It irritates me that people don't know their audience or are so audcacious in their opinion that they don't even see who they are offending (me).  My favorites:

All Teen Mom's are bad, stupid, losers. - Really?  Do I suck that much? Does Jake?  I realize that I'm not a teen mom anymore but I was one and I did a really kickass job of raising my kid.  And my son is a teen dad and is also doing a wonderful job raising Kai and being a great partner to Katie.  I realize there are A LOT of immature and irresponsible teen parents out there but there are a lot of irresponsible adult parents out there too.  Let's not be judgy mmmmkay, pumpkin?
Tattoos are stupid, tacky, only hoodlums have them - Hmmmm well I've never (knock on wood) been to jail, I don't ride a harley, I'm not a person that can't get a job because of all the tattoos I have.  Yes, some people have so many that there are only a few industries that approve of such things.  And that is my point, there are several sides to these blatent generalizations.  I love that no one expects me to have tattoos and yet I do, I love them and I love to show them, but I also respect my job and the court, I would never have my tattoos showing during a trial.  I'm not sure I want to stay in the legal profession forever but if I have to, I'll continue to get my tattoos where they are nicely hidden behind a conservative dress and pearls. :)

Stay at home/Working Mom Debate - Ugh. I hate this one.  It's so just weighted down and makes me feel tired.  Can we all just get along and know that we are doing our best for our circumstance?  I'd love to stay home as I'm sure some stay at home moms would love to work.  Maybe I wouldn't love it, I don't know but I surely don't stare down my nose at stay at home moms.  I hate both generalizations both ways, I'm not an uncaring mom who stuffs my kid into daycare and runs as fast as possible to work,  as much as my stay at home moms don't ........well what DO you do all day? (ha....kidding....you got that right?)  So when you're in a convo at some super swank party of all sorts of people, lay off the Oprah and eating bonbons talk.

May/December Relationships Don't Last (especially if SHE is older) - Well, I'm still married, so there. Done.

Just a couple of my pet peeves for you.

xoxo
Megan

Appeal to Hair

Hello Hair,

We've been together a long time now, you've been easy when I change you all the time.  Sometimes I wish you had more of a presence other than the meek and dishwater-y way you are, alas you are mine.

I'm a little grumpy at your turtle like way you are growing out of my head.  I mean I know I'm supposed to take good care of you, and trim those dead things on the head so you'll feel healthy enough to poke your head back out, but really, this is borderline ridiculous.  You can't really want to be this short for the rest of your days do you?  We had a good run with the shorty, we did.  Now it's time to go back to the long blond so I can pull you back into a pony tail almost every day.  So I (ahem..."we") look better in hats, mmmmmkayy, Pumpkin? 

It's time, now.  You don't like it when I grunt and grumble in the morning, when I try to pat you down and make you behave, much like this morning, now that was just uncomfortable wasn't it? 

So let's be strong and grow grow grow! Shall we?  I do love you, curly unruly, fine hair of mine so let's get to it, else you're going to have lots of headbands and bobbi pins comin' your way.

Love,
Megan
xoxo

Ecclesiastes 3 (a book of hebrew)

Ecclesiastes 3 (a book of hebrew)

¹To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
²A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
³A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
⁴A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
⁵A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
⁶A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
⁷A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
⁸A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

I've always loved this passage - it was on a poster when I worked at the Jewish Community Center when I was just a teenager - it has always made me smile and feel well.

xoxox

Quote

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous.  It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body."  ~Elizabeth Stone

This is the absolute truth.

This quote made me tear up today. 

xoxo

Bad Dog

I hate fucking up at work.  I HATE it, and I always feel like this guy, just a bad dog.  "BAD DOG, MEGAN!" And when I do make what I think is a huge mistake, I always fall on my sword and admit it, I don't try to pass it off as someone else's problem, I suck it up and hope for the best (read: sit at my desk with my fingers crossed chanting "please don't fire me" over and over) 

I can't ever tell if its as bad as I think it is or if it's me just assuming the worst and like people have finally figured out that I really don't know what I'm doing.  I don't mess up much but when I do (like this morning) I turn bright red, stammer about fixing it, repeat things and say "I"m on it, I'll figure out what happened"  To which I go back to my desk with a stomach ache, feeling like I might hurl.  When I do  figure out the issue/problem/screwup and it really is me, I turn red and start sweating again.  So I fess up to what happened, cc my boss so he can throw himself in front of the firing squad (will he?) I fix the mistake and now I sit and wait and wait......

When I get an email and I freeze and don't want to look at who it's from. When someone walks through the door right outside my cube, I picture HR and my boss.  If that happens I think I'll skip the chit chat about how much I suck and I'll just start packing. 

Yes, I'm being dramatic and likely won't be asked to leave because as you can see from my picture, I'm not that guilty.  I made an error, but look at what character I have! I admitted it, said I'm sorry, I fixed it and I am obsessing about it because I care about doing good work, that should count for something, no?  I think so. 

And its not like I cursed a customer or a VP and I didn't set anything on fire. 

I just forgot to read closely and almost sent something out that wasn't clearly reviewed. 

I hate it when people are mad at me. I hate it. Bad dog.

xoxo

I love me some coffee.  But only good coffee, expensive coffee.  Funny, I'm like that with beer too.  Wine? Not so much, don't get me wrong,  I'd like to buy the expensive stuff all the time but I can't really afford that so yeah, I've been known to drink it out of a box.  Right, like you haven't. 
Coffee is one of those things in life that just makes me happy, the smell, the bitter taste, the shape of the mugs with the steaming goodness coming from it.  Some weekend mornings, I feel like a Folgers commercial.  I know we've discussed what a gem I can be in the morning, so George will brew up coffee for me every single morning and sometimes (probably when I've actuall slept) I'll awake to the smell in the house, smile and stretch like a cat.  It's comforting and wakes me up and with baseball season upon us, you can just bet that Starbucks is going to be getting too much of my money.  Nothing gets me through a cold and soggy baseball game like a venti coffee. 

And then there is traveling......anywhere but the west coast, you really have to look for a Starbucks.  Here, they are on two sides of every strip mall, in every grocery store, they pop up everywhere.  Travel to the east coast and they think Dunkin Donuts coffee is the shit.  I am SERIOUS, like that's where they tell you to go.  It's exhausting and gross, DD coffee sucks, fyi.  Even in Vegas, though I hear its getting better, I had to hunt around for a starbucks, ask drunk people (yes at 8am) where to go and the only one was in the NYNY, Really?  I suppose if you spend enough time anywhere, you'd find a decent cuppa joe and I'd really like to try the Dean and Deluca (thank you Felicity) chain in New York, but I bet it'd be hard to beat Starbucks and Stumptown.

Good to the last drop.

xoxo

George's dad came over last night and was asking about Jake and his little family.  It was so cool to sit and talk with Greg about watching your kids grow into adults and how amazing it can be, how it makes you sometimes just stop dead in your tracks.  I think to myself, how did this happen? Where did the years go?  Was it really that fast? Yes, it goes very fast.  It's funny to sit and watch your child and see so many of your own traits and mannerisms within this adult.

We went to Jake and Katie's house for dinner on Sunday night after we got to babysit Kai.  When Jake got home he made us dinner, I was so proud of Jake's hospitality, what a gracious host he's become and frankly a great cook as well.  He's polite and mature and takes good care of his love and his child.  I couldn't be more proud of him if I tried. 

The adult relationship that we have now is something that I will forever treasure, it's one of the most open and honest relationships I've known. I used to think that it would be hard to stay close as he became an adult man, I've watched some men grow away from their mothers or parents as they have families of their own, but as Jake and I grow, we still have a good strong bond and I hope it stays that way.

I look forward to seeing what Cole will be like as an adult as well.  (If I can make it through another teenager)

Kids.  One of the coolest things I've ever accomplished.

xoxo

You Can Count on Me

(Legal Disclaimer - I said I'd post every day and I'm going to fail at that this weekend.  I'm heading to Bend to see my sister on this fine Spring Break week. Whereas they have a computer, they probably don't want to watch me post whilst I'm at their house.  If I get a chance I will but no promises)

I realized yesterday that people talk to me.  I mean REALLY talk to me, I'm kind of a sounding board for many different people in my life.  For this, I'm grateful.  Though it is quite a responsibility to be that person, that person who knows so much about other people, and sometimes I'm caught in a bind with what I should and should not disclose to someone else close to me that should probably know.  I pretty much live by the rule of thumb that if my discloser is not in harms way, I will just listen and guide the best that I can.  Or sometimes, they just want someone to just listen without advice or guidance.  Or I will urge (sometimes PUSH) the discloser to talk to their friend, spouse, mom, dad, son, or daughter.  As hard as it is, I really cherish this quality in myself that people trust me so much that they seek me out to talk to me. It's quite an honor to be respected like that and I hope that I continue to show the people I love that they can count on me, because I care. A lot.

xoxo

Insomnia Sucks

I don't sleep.  It might be slowly turning me into a crazy person.  When I can't sleep which is all the time, I blame it on a book I read when I was in my early 20's, "Insomnia" by Stephen King.  I read this book and it scarred me for life because I couldn't believe that someone couldn't sleep! I mean how HORRIBLE, and of course the old man in the book went all kinds of crazy.  I realize the book has nothing to do with why I don't sleep, it does make me feel better to lay the blame on an object.  My only solace is that I know other people who don't sleep well either, well, that and the fact that I've tried EVERYTHING under the moon to make myself sleep.  Except Ambien.  I am not going down that road.

I don't drink alcohol, doesn't work.  I DO drink alcohol, at least that helps me fall asleep but I just don't stay asleep (YAY for wine!) There is no TV in my bedroom, I have yummy covers and down comforters and pillows, its not that its not comfortable because the sleep I DO get usually between 4:30 and 6 am is delightful!  I exercise constantly, I sometimes take Tylenol PM when desperate, I do watch tv before bed but that suggestion to not is ridiculous.  My mind races constantly and I also lay there with stupid ass song lyrics in my head, whatever rapper I've been listening to that day, hows that for a good time.  My husband snores but has gotten used to me rolling him over which stops him.  He's offered to sleep downstairs in our lovely basement (Jake's old room) but that's just retarded.  Sigh....

So you can imagine how fun it is to be around me in the morning, I don't even want to be around me.

I think I'll try melatonin and yoga - we are turning our garage into a workout space with a TV so we can do yogo tapes.

Maybe blogging will help.

xoxo

Time to Blog

Hi, so I'm back to blogging.  I've been urged by a few friends and family members who came to rely on my silly ramblings, most notably my sister who would sit down every day at 11:30, eat her lunch and read my blog.  She kind of served as an editor so to speak, she would call and say "WHERE IS YOUR BLOG ENTRY, I"m BORED" to which I would  say I had nothing to say, she would guffaw and hang up.

My goal for this new and improved (read "free") is to write honestly every day for your entertainment and my sanity.  Honesty is important when writing but also very difficult.  What if I hurt someone's feelings, what if someone reads to closely into what I am saying?  What if I reveal too much about myself?  What if I piss someone off?  To be a writer, I think you have to take that chance, and I inevitabley will piss someone off, of that I'm sure because I'm rather opinionated.  But no one wants to read a boring happy blog do they?  Like those people that only post happy shit as their friggin' facebook status, I mean really? You're THAT happy all the time?  Congratulations.

Another reason is my good good pal Michelle told me that it's quite theraputic.  And that is something I really need right now, I felt such dispair this last Monday.  It was awful for the first time in a very long time I didn't want to get out of bed......like at all.  Lucky for me I had a migraine (call is sick to work), but I took drugs, it went away.  I was still feeling such turmoil and couldn't shake it, sad about everything.  I watched 7 episodes of Grey's Anatomy and just was staring at them, cried through every single episode.  George came home and felt helpless because I didn't even pretend I wasn't crying at a tv show. I struggled out of it, hopped up on Tuesday and came to work, feeling a little bit better.  Then Michelle lets me know how theraputic blogging is and it clicked!  Ah  HA!  I'll write!  I don't need some stinking zoloft or whatever shit they are pushing now (plus if I gain weight on meds again, I'll lose my shit) So here we go bitches, lets write! 

Let me know how I'm doing either by comments or an email.

Oh and what's with the koala bear?  He's friggin adorable is what.  xoxo